*Do You See What I See?*

Every night was the same. Mary slumbered until some time between the second and third watch. She would wake then lie wide-eyed until dawn. It had been this way ever since the great and terrible day of the angel. After his visitation, Mary found it difficult to close her eyes, to even blink. Every time she did, she watched not her life, but her son's death, pass before her vision.
            How many times each night did she question her divine appointment? She would move her lips but make no sound.
            "Oh, Sovereign Lord, why? Why did you choose me? Holy Father, I do not think I shall be able to bear it. Please, will you not take this lot from me?”
            Almost always, she felt her hair stir as a slight breeze sighed through the room where she lay. One night she thought she heard the wind speak: "I am.” She had turned onto her stomach, to be face down.
            "Forgive me, my Lord. Your will is perfect, and good. Let it be done to me according to what you have said."
            "You are a prophet, Mary," her cousin Elizabeth had said, "a prophetess. But do not tell the men. They would laugh at you, or yell. Scorn your youth, and your gender."
            "A prophet? I think not," Mary said. "Did not Joel, the son of Pethuel, write of our people having visions? I do not speak for the Lord. He merely shows me things."
            This was after Elizabeth had made a fuss over Mary's arrival. She had washed Mary’s feet herself instead of summoning a servant for the task. All the while she murmured things like, "How is it that the mother of my Lord should come to me?"
            Mary shook her head. "Elizabeth, stop," she said. "I am just a girl, your cousin, the one you see every year at Passover in Jerusalem. Now tell me, what it is like to feel your son move inside you?"
            Elizabeth took Mary's hands and placed them on either side of the tautness beneath her breasts. She glanced down, smiled.
            "Can you believe I possess a bust like this? At my age? Zechariah—"
            Elizabeth stopped when she saw Mary blush, bowed her head, spoke to her belly.
            "Son? Is my cousin, Mary, a prophetess?"
            Mary watched her right hand move. "He kicked me!"
            She knelt and rested her cheek on Elizabeth's swell. "Baby boy, is the child I carry the Son of the Most High God?"
            Mary sat back on her heels and rubbed her face. "That hurt!”
            She gulped and her eyes filled with tears. Elizabeth took her hands and pulled her to standing. She held Mary close and patted her back. Mary thought she could feel faint and gentle movements from inside Elizabeth's belly, as if the baby wanted to communicate to her with his tiny hands.
            "Shalom, cousin. Shalom," Elizabeth said. "Peace be with you. Remember what the angel said? You are highly favored among women. Does that not please you?"
            Mary pulled away, used her sleeve to dry her face.
            "It does, cousin, indeed it does. I am most grateful that my thoughts and deeds please our Lord, but—”

            Elizabeth shook her head. "But what? What could possibly dampen your joy?"
            Mary wrung her hands. "The angel—  He said God would give my son the throne of David."
            Elizabeth drew her breath in. "But that is good. David was a great man."
            Mary walked to the window and peered out. "King David was a man of war.”
            She sighed and glanced back over her shoulder. "Also, King David did not have the Romans to contend with. And . . ."
            Elizabeth crossed the room and stood behind Mary. She removed Mary's head covering and laid it over her arm, released the younger woman’s hair from its constraints and combed it with her fingers. She whispered into the long, dark waves.
            "And what?"
            Mary's inhale sounded frayed to Elizabeth. "And ever since the angel came, I see things, when I close my eyes."
            Elizabeth rested her hands on Mary's shoulders.
            "You see things. It is as I said. You have the gift."
            Mary spun to face Elizabeth, her face contorted. "No gift this, Elizabeth. I see death, suffering."
            Elizabeth gripped her throat. "For our people? God's chosen remnant?"
            Mary lowered her head. Tears fell from her chin to her garment.
            "No," she said. "Of my son, my baby boy, but grown. And no one, no not one, acts on his behalf."
            Elizabeth winced. "How do you bear it, dear one?"
            Mary turned back to the window and squinted across the distance.
            "Promises," she said. "The promises of our Lord: 'Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.'  That comforts, sometimes."
            Behind her, Elizabeth shook her head. "You are so young, and yet, a stronger woman than I.”
            The older woman slipped between Mary and the window. She gathered the young woman's hands in her own, arranged them on her girth again.
            "Tell me what you see."
            Mary shrank back, shook her head. Elizabeth nodded slowly, her eyes narrow. Mary closed hers, saw, shuddered. She opened her eyes wide, to stop the vision.
            Elizabeth's voice was low, almost a growl. "Tell me."
            "No.” The word was a gasp, a plea.
            Elizabeth cupped Mary's chin, lifted it so their eyes met. "I want to know."
            "You do not."
            "I need to, Mary."
            Mary shook her head. "You know not what you ask, cousin."
            "Tell me," Elizabeth said, "so I know how to pray."
            "You cannot pray away his destiny."
            Elizabeth tilted her head. "Can I not?"
            Mary's mouth fell open. Her eyes widened. "No, you cannot. Pray for his strength, and yours, and Zechariah's."
            Elizabeth's eyes glittered with tears. She ran two fingers down the side of Mary's face.
            "I see now," she said, "why He chose you. Now tell me."
            Mary squeezed her eyes shut. Sobs wracked her small frame but she spoke what she saw.
            "I see a king. And a young woman. She is very beautiful, lovely in form. She dances for him. She whispers in his ear. He smiles and then suddenly soldiers— The king sent them, for your son.” Mary twitched as her flesh crawled. She swallowed. "For his . . . head."
            Mary opened her eyes when she heard Elizabeth moan. There she was, on the floor, in a crumple. 

No Ordinary Joe

She is dead to me. I tried to speak the words. Instead I swallowed them, bitter as bile, moments after Mother delivered the news.

            “Sit,” she said when I entered the room for the midday meal. She pushed a cup across the table. More wine than water. “Drink.”

            Parched from the morning’s work and wood dust, I gulped the contents. Mother used her hip to nudge me over on the bench. Covered my hands with hers.

            “It is thickening, Joseph,” she said.

            My eyes narrowed. “What is?”

            Mother brushed my knuckles with her thumb. “Her waist,” she said. “Your Mary’s.”

            My Mary? At first I didn’t understand. Her waist? What? Then I knew. I coughed. Couldn’t stop. I clutched at my chest. Hacked. Tried to stand but the room seemed to tilt and take flight. My knees felt watery. My cup struck the floor with a clank. Rolled.

            Mother pounded my back several times. My eyes teared. She’d spoken so casually. How could she be calm? Who? Who had told her this thing?

            “I didn’t believe my sisters, so I searched for her, your Mary, in the market. When she embraced me, Joseph, I discovered . . . They were right.”

            I attempted speech. Failed. I summoned spit to wet my throat. Rasped out words.

            “Perhaps her cousin Elizabeth is gifted with food,” I said. “Mary was there for three months, you know. In the hill country.” She was there for three months. A young woman. Lovely. Alone.

            Mother circled my waist with her arms. Laid her cheek against my shoulder. Sighed.     

            “Her girth is firm, my son. Not soft. It is as they say.” Her tongue made a clicking sound. “I’m sorry.”

I stumbled out to Father’s shop. Had to find my way by memory since tears had stolen my vision. I swallowed air in great gulps. Over and over. Prayed my father would be there working. Hoped he wouldn’t be. Inside I collapsed in a corner. Rocked and keened, no care for who might hear. Thoughts churned. Visions tormented. Finally through the window I observed the moon as it settled into position for the night.

           "My Mary," I whispered to the stars. My very own angel. I’d thought. We’d said our vows. She was mine except for the wedding night and the subsequent feast. I’d planned it out. Every last detail. I would leave my father and mother. Go to claim her. The wedding party would see my torch and proclaim my approach. My Mary would drop everything and don her wedding dress. I knew she would be radiant. Shining with purity and anticipation. 

            After the ceremony I would lead her to the home my father and I had prepared for her. There, in a bed made by my own hands, we would become one flesh. Blood pounded in my ears at the thought.

            On our marriage bed I would arrange myself behind her. Remove her headcovering and see her hair, her crowning glory, at last. I imagined she braided and pinned it into a thick coil every morning before she concealed it. I’d release its constraints, watch the tresses tumble free in the lamp light. I would call her my dove in the cleft of the rocks. She would liken me to a gazelle or a young stag. In the moonlight I would fit my front to her back. Our bodies would line up perfectly—curve to curve, swell to swell. My breath would extinguish the lamp and in the night my innocence would find hers and—

            “Another has it!” My words ricocheted around the room gone cold. “Her purity is lost. To him. To a man in the hill country of Judea.”

            I gathered fistfuls of dust and ground them into my hair. Slapped more into my beard. Moaned from a place beneath my stomach. My eyes searched the ceiling. What kind of man must he be? To tempt Mary to sacrifice everything? My Mary. Mary who blushed whenever my sandal touched hers. Mary whose tunics were both worn at the knees due to her copious prayers. In the end I could only fathom that he must be wonderful. Much more so than I. Perfect even.

I awoke when the door to the workshop opened. Father’s form filled the doorway. I rubbed my face. Picked at the dried mud.

            “So Mother told you.”

            I began to sob again, my cries raw and hollow in the workroom. 
            “What now, Abba?” I said. “What now?”

            Father joined me on the floor. Drew me so close I could barely breathe but I didn’t want him to stop. I felt the warmth of him—his compassion, his sorrow on my account, enter through my skin. At last he released me. He reached up and patted his workbench. Brought down a knife and stub of wood. He carved as he spoke, sending tiny curls of wood to their doom in the dirt.

            “In times of trouble, son, I search the scriptures.”

            I dabbed at my nose with my sleeve. “As do I.”

            He smiled at the shape in his hands. “I know you do, son,” he said. “You’re a good man.”

            He used the edge of his garment to remove dust from his work. “It has always been my hope that I, and you, would inherit the wisdom of our forefather—”

            “Solomon?” I said.

            He nodded. “Yes, and today a scripture came to me. For such a time as this.”

            I turned my face to his. Held my breath.

            “Two are better than one, Joseph. If either falls down, the one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”

            I cleared my throat. It burned still. “Actually, I have decided to divorce her, Father. Quietly, of course.”

            I watched Father’s chin push forward, his mouth drop open. “Oh, Joseph,” he said. “Surely not. You cannot leave her alone in her circumstance. The law—”

            I held up my hand. “Hear me out,” I said. “I have to free her from our betrothal so that when he comes for her she will not be bound to me. And he will return for her, Father. How can he not? There is none more beautiful—”

            Father shook his head. “I disagree. If that was the case, would he have let her leave Judea in the first place?”

            He stood. Extended his hand to help me up. He embraced me again and I inhaled his woody fragrance, always a part of him.

            “Perhaps he needs to save money,"  I said to the air behind him as we made our way back to the house. "For the bride price, before he can send for her. Maybe there is more to this than we know.”

            Outside the door my father turned to face me. Took my hands in his.
            “Do not be hasty, my son,” he said. “Promise me you’ll sleep on this. Pray about it. Perhaps we should fast. For wisdom.”

            I squeezed his hands and nodded. “I promise, Abba. I will sleep on it.”

“Awake! Awake, o sleepers!” Two nights later I practically sang the words to my parents as I shook them from their slumber. “The Lord, our God, the Mighty One, has done a great thing! He sent an angel. In a dream.”

            Mother and Father stumbled into the common room huddled under a single blanket.

            I stood before them, wildly gesturing. “’I will die this night.’ That was my first thought when I opened my eyes. I was sure the light of him, this being as massive as Goliath, would consume me.”

            At the table my father rubbed his eyes as my mother brought out bread and water. Their brows were furrowed. With lack of understanding? Or disbelief?

            “He said I am not to be afraid to bring Mary here as my wife. That the babe in her womb is from the Holy Spirit, the Most High God himself! Truly He has changed my mourning into dancing!”

            I scooped my mother up into my arms. Spun her around the room. Clapped and grinned like a fool. I ran to the window and shouted to all of Nazareth.

            “Mary, my Mary, is a virtuous girl. Call me a prophet for I say one day you will all call her blessed.”

            I spun to face my parents. “I am to give him the name of Jesus,” I said. “That’s what the man from heaven told me, commanded me. Because he will save his people from their sins.”

            Mother fell to her knees. Lifted her hands to heaven. “Thanks be to God for he has taken your shame, my son, and refashioned it into joy.” Tears streamed down her face.     
            Father clasped his hands together. Raised his gaze to the ceiling. 
            “This is indeed good tidings. Our Lord is both gracious and compassionate.” He stood and beckoned toward the door. “We will need to finish the addition, Joseph. Quickly.”

            Mother gasped and clutched at her chest. “A feast. I must prepare a feast,” she said. “A week from today?” She extended a hand toward Father. “Can you have their quarters completed in seven days? You and Joseph?”

            My father and I were of one mind. We spoke in unison. “Surely, nothing is impossible with the Lord.”

*The Best Christmas Eve Ever--Part Two"

The Christmas Eve house tour ended up back in the kitchen. “So every room has a fireplace and a Christmas tree?”
            “Just about.”
            “And nativities,” I said. “Do you collect them?”
            “We do.” She picked up a carved manger scene and placed it in my hand. “This one’s from Israel, like Jesus.”
            I held it up to the light and examined it this way and that. “It’s gorgeous.”
            “Sit,” she said, gesturing to a bench in front of the fireplace. “I’ll make coffee.”

            I leaned close to the fire until my cheeks burned. I pressed my palms to my face. Hot. Dry.
            “Come here,” Mom said.
            I joined her at the island in the middle of the kitchen.
            She patted the marble surface. “Put your face here.”
            The coolness instantly soothed. I turned my head to relieve the other side. Caressed the chilly counter.
            “Let me guess. Italian?”
            She smiled and nodded.
            I peered at the soaring ceiling with its tic, tac, toe beams. “I feel like I’ve been here before.”
            Her eyes followed my gaze. “Do you get Metropolitan Home magazine?”
            My mouth fell open. “Whoa!”
            She pulled a stool out from under the island and I did the same. We sat. Neither of us spoke for awhile but it was fine.
            “When I grow up, I wanna be just like you.”
            I peeked at her from under my lashes. One side of her mouth was higher.
            I bit my lip. “Did I say that out loud?”
            The other corner rose.
            I returned my face to the marble. “Sometimes I think I have Tourette's.”
             She reached across the island and rested her hand on my hair. “You’re so much like your brother.”
            I sat up when Amy, followed by John, burst into the room, in song. “Here we come a-caroling . . .”
            Amy looked at Mom, then me. “C'mon. It’s time! To the music room.”
             “You didn’t show me that one,” I said to Mom.
             She shrugged. “I knew we’d end up there eventually.”
             Suddenly the side door to the kitchen opened and a sparkly wind whooshed a man inside. The crown of his fedora brushed the doorframe as he entered. His cheeks were ruddy from the cold.
             His eyes swept the room and  came to rest on me. “John's sister, no doubt," he said. "You’ve got your brother’s eyes. Welcome. And Merry Christmas.”
             He turned to John. “The fireplaces are hungry,” he said. “We must appease them.”

            “I’ll get my coat,” my brother said.
            Amy and Mom led me down a back hall. I hung back so I could gawk to my heart’s content. You know you’re in a rich person’s house when there’s a music room. And, when just about every wall is glass and you’re not cold, even in the dead of winter.
            In the music room we gathered around the grand-not-baby piano and sang all the Christmas carols in the hymnal. Mom played beautifully. Her fingers had perfect piano playing posture, all high and curved. Amy’s voice was a sweet, clear soprano. When she hit the high note in O Holy Night, I almost wept. At some point I heard male voices behind me. I grinned at my song sheet. 
            “It’s time,” Dad said when there were no more songs to sing.
            My eyes darted from face to face. “For what?”
            No one answered. Instead they followed him into the room with the biggest fireplace of all. The tallest tree. It shimmered with silver and gold pinecones and opalescent garland. The room was furnished with Shaker pieces—elegant but not soft. I opted for a floor cushion almost the size of my car.
            When everyone was seated and quiet, Dad spoke. “And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus that all the world should be taxed.” He recited the whole thing from memory—no notes, no Bible.
            The fire warmed my cheeks. The story heated my heart. After he said, “But Mary kept all these things and pondered them in her heart,” he reached into one of the baskets beside the hearth. He brought out a candle and lit it from the fire. I held out my hand. He repeated the action four more times, one for each of us.
            My cheeks ached. Because I couldn’t stop smiling. It’s perfect, I thought. I didn’t think this night could get any better, but it did.
            We sat there in our little circle for the longest time, each of us mesmerized by the moment. We watched as our flames flickered and bowed. I allowed a drop of hot wax to splash onto my palm. Pressed my thumb into it to make a print. I chuckled.
            Somewhere in the house, a clock struck. I closed my eyes and counted the chimes. Ten. Eleven. Twelve. A contented sigh escaped me. I opened my eyes to see if anyone heard. Saw Amy’s lips moving around the lyrics of “Silent Night.” One by one, we joined in. I lifted my gaze to the ceiling. Steepled my fingers. Adopt me. Please.
           
When I got out of the Toyota back at my apartment, I noticed a basket on the back seat. They gave me presents? My eyes stung and I sniffed as I carried the basket inside and put the packages under our little tree. Tonight, or tomorrow? After a few minutes I unplugged the lights and headed back to my bedroom.
            Five minutes later, I ran back out. Lit the tree and sat cross-legged beside it in my pajamas and robe. One by one I opened the presents. They’d given me the slippers I’d worn. And a pair of  polka-dotted mittens. Nestled in a fist-sized box was the nativity from Israel. I stroked the smooth wood and shook my head in wonder.
            The shine of the aluminum foil star on top of the tree caught my eye. I spoke to it. “Star light. Star bright.” I stopped. Picked up the little manger scene and held it against my heart. “Actually, I don’t need to make a wish. I want to say thanks. No one should be alone on Christmas Eve, and I wasn’t. And Christmas in the country? It was different . . . and better."

*The Best Christmas Eve Ever--Part One"

It was snowing for real now. Cottonballs from the sky. I sprinted over to Dart Drug for a bag of kitty litter—emergency traction for the car, just in case. Back at the apartment I filled my Jazzercise water bottle and grabbed a Snickers bar—emergency sustenance for my stomach, just in case. In my bedroom I threw my afghan over my shoulder—the one Mom made me when she learned to crochet.

            “That should be good,” I told the door as I locked it.

            Back outside my breath came out in little cloudy mushrooms as I scraped and brushed ice and snow off my blue Toyota. As I waited for the windshield to defrost, I examined the blackened palms of my French’s Mustard yellow gloves. They’re wrecked. My mouth pulled to the side for a moment, then up into a grin. There’s always after Christmas sales.

“Hello?”
            “Sis, it’s me. I’m here in D.C.,” my brother had said when he called.
            “Since when?”

            “I took the train from Charlottesville this morning. Thought I’d come up and surprise Amy and her family.”
            “Oh.” So you won’t be alone on Christmas Eve.
            “They want you to come out,” he said. “Amy’s family says no one should be alone on Christmas Eve.”
            I looked up at my bangs. “They said that?”
            “Yeah. I’m going to put Amy on. Get a pen and paper. She’ll give you directions.”

The Toyota crept from Route 50 to the Beltway. Past Fair Oaks Mall, then to an exit. Further still. I glanced in my rearview mirror. All I could see were the parallel black lines my Toyota tires had carved in the pillowy snow.
            “Usually I’m scared to drive when it’s like this,” I said to no one. “But that’s when I’m going to work. This is different.”

            I was headed for Christmas in the country. Surely, a country Christmas would be different. Better.
            I checked my odometer and slowed down. The turn should be— Oh, there it was. The private road wasn’t paved but it had been scraped recently. Bet they have a John Deere something or other for times like this.
            I cracked the window so I could hear the silence. Country silence is quieter than city silence. I imagined the world wrapped in Santa’s beard or in the wool of one of the sheep in the Christmas story.
            I shivered. Rolled up the window. The road seemed to go on forever.

            “Am I lost?” I asked the windshield. “Maybe I took a wrong turn. But—”

            Then I saw the light or rather, the lights. Dim golden polka dots lined both sides of the road up ahead. I pulled over. To see what exactly would make that kind of glow. My boots made a squawnky sound on the packed surface. The light, I discovered, came from deep bowls made of ice. Someone had snuggled them down into the knee-deep snow, about one every ten feet. Each bowl held a creamy, chubby pillar candle. The flames shimmied and bowed in the snow sequined night.
            I stood and peered up the road. Where did that come from? At the top of the hill was a house, grand and lovely. Greenery and a red bow adorned the outside of every window. A candle flickered on the inside of each as well.
            I decided to walk the rest of the way so my tire tracks wouldn’t defile the perfect snow in front of their house. Before I set out, I brushed the snow from my pants and tucked them inside my boots. Puckered my lips and applied Cherries in the Snow lipstick. I flipped up the velvet collar of my dress coat to keep the back of my neck warm, plunged my hands deep in my pockets, and headed up the hill.
            As I neared the house, my brow scrunched. I’ve seen this place before. Then I remembered where. The scene reminded me of a snow globe I’d purchased at the Christmas Shop in Manteo, North Carolina. I smiled, at the thought of the Outer Banks. And summertime.

            When I was about fifty yards from the house, I stopped. Watched the plume of my breath appear every thirty seconds or so.

            “What are you waiting for?” I asked the night. After a few minutes, it occurred to me I was wanting someone, the family who lived on top of the hill maybe, to lift the edge of the glass dome and let me in. Into their world.
            I was twenty feet from the porch when the front door opened. The silhouettes of my brother and a young woman filled the doorway. His buzz cut and her mass of flame-colored waves were backlit. I don’t know why, but I didn’t say a word. I hung back in the shadows by the side of the road watching them.
            “She’s here! She’s here!” I heard Amy say. “Her car’s out there. But where’s she?”
            “Hallo!” my brother called.

            “Hallo!” the echoes multiplied through the woods behind the house.
            I stepped into the porch light shine and waved. “Merry Christmas!” I said. My greeting went far, in every direction, in the navy night.
            Amy waved excitedly like it would bring me to her faster. I climbed the steps and she threw her arms around me while I was stomping the snow off my boots.

            “I’m Amy,” she said. “Merry Christmas to you!”

            I smiled into her hair. I’ve never met you, but you sure do seem to like me.
            Inside the front door, my brother lifted me in a bear hug. Beside him, Amy counted on her fingers.

            “Coat, slippers, cocoa.”
            I tilted my head. “Hunh?”
            She spoke slower. “Give John your coat. Change into slippers. Get cocoa from my mom.”
            I handed my brother my coat. Added my boots to the line against the wall. There was a basket of slippers, all colors and sizes, tags still on, behind the door.
            I stooped. “I’ll take . . . fuzzy and red, size small.”
            When I straightened, John and Amy had disappeared and there was Mom.
            “You’re beautiful,” came out of my mouth before I could stop it. Amy looks just like you.
            “And you,” she said, as she pressed an oversized mug into my hands.
            I stuck my nose close to the marshmallows and felt steam collect on my cheeks. I lifted my chin but kept my eyes closed. I inhaled.
            “What do you smell?” Mom said.
            My face squinched in concentration. “A peppermint at the bottom of the cocoa. Pine. A wood fire. Paperwhites. Wassail maybe? Or are there oranges studded with cloves?”
            I opened my eyes. She was still smiling. “You should be a sommelier.”
            “A some of what?”
            She chuckled and tucked her arm inside mine. “A sommelier—sort of a wine expert,” she said. “You have an excellent nose.”
            We walked down the central hallway. Suddenly she stopped and turned to face me. 

            “Where are my manners?” she said. She rested her hands on my shoulders and kissed the air beside each of my ears. I caught a waft of her perfume—peonies and vanilla maybe.

            “Welcome, and Merry Christmas, dear.”
            I peeked into a room. “Where is everyone?”
            “You mean, your brother? And Amy?” she said. “Probably under the mistletoe somewhere. We’ll find them. Sooner or later. Would you like a tour?”
            I nodded, my eyes huge. “Yes, please!”

*The Worst Christmas Ever*

I knew I was in trouble when my husband questioned the pile of packages by the front door.

            “I have a good excuse,” I said.

            One of his eyebrows arched. “Really?”

            Both of my eyebrows went up. “Really,” I said. “These are the Christmas presents I bought and wrapped for your mother to give the kids.”

            “She already did that .”

            My heart hiccupped. I squinted. “She did? Why?”

            “’Cause she wanted to.”

            “But, this is how we always do things. She buys. I fly.”

            “Not this year.”

            Inside me, my holiday spirit engine gasped. Shimmied. Chugged, then stopped. The Christmas carol soundtrack in my head ceased. The skippy spring to my step flattened.

And then it happened again. We stepped into my mom’s house less than a week later and her hearth was smothered with red and green packages adorned with smooshed and pointy pre-tied bows.

            My breath caught. My eyes widened. The two shopping bags of packages I was carrying dropped to the floor with a thunk and a rattle.

            “Uh . . . Mom? Did you forget how we do things—you buy, I fly?”

            She beamed from her lavender recliner. “I don’t know what got into me. One day I felt a burst of energy. And there was this great sale at the mall and . . . “

            For the second time in seven days my holiday spirit engine faltered. I stared at the fireplace for a few minutes—almost hypnotized by the blueish yellow flames that danced around the fake logs.

            “They got double presents,” I said, without moving my lips.

            “Excuse me?” Mom said.

            I walked down the hall to the bathroom and washed my hands. Put on sweet pea-scented hand lotion. Tried on every shade of lipstick on Mom’s vanity. I lowered the toilet lid and took a seat. I counted on my fingers. They got presents from my mom. They got gifts from his mom. They got stuff that I bought them from my mom. They got stuff that I bought them from his mom. They got presents from us. They got toys from Santa.

            I stood and surveyed my reflection in the mirror. Leaned forward and tugged my eyeskin to make the wrinkles disappear. I sighed. My mom was happy. Mother-in-law was too. The kids were ecstatic. And he was thrilled. Husband adores giving and receiving gifts. “Can’t take it with you when you die.” That’s one of his favorite sayings.
            I grinned at myself. "Faker," I hissed. Everyone was giddy with holiday joy but me. All the stress I’d put myself through—making the lists, checking them twice. Shopping all over hell’s half acre and the Internet. Wrapping, hiding. I didn’t need to do any of it. Well, I didn’t need to do half of it. I’d put myself out, way out, for nothing.  All that Advil gone to waste.

            And that’s not all. The double presents thing? It fed the fear inside me. The fear that all the gifts, the mile high stack of gadgets and sweaters that no one really needs, would make Christmas Day into Stuff Day. I worried that the intense focus on buying, giving, getting, repeat, would take the attention off little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay.

            Back in the living room, I sank into the sofa beside husband. He shushed me as I mumbled, “It’s gonna be Stuff Day, not Christmas Day.”  He stroked my back. Massaged my shoulders. Murmured, “There, there. Everything’ll be all right.”

A few nights later we gathered in the foyer. Donned hats and coats, mittens and gloves. Prepared to go to the last holiday party of the season—Christmas Eve at my mother-in law's. One of our children dawdled. Or whined. I don’t remember which. I snapped at her. A little too loud, a little too mean.

            All of a sudden the front door whooshed open. Frigid night air rushed the room. Husband slammed the door and turned to me, his eyes squinty and small.

            “Shut. Up,” he said. “You’re going to ruin Christmas Eve for everyone.”

            All three kids gawked at me, my husband, each other, then the floor. I winced and inspected my boots. I knew I deserved it. Not in front of the kids, but still . . .

            Husband stomped out into the night to start the car. After a few minutes, the kids followed. I locked the front door and slunk down the steps. It was bitter cold with no snow. There would be though. Eventually. I could smell it.

            I climbed into the SUV. Flipped my seat warmer on. The silence was too quiet, even on the Silent Night, so I pushed the stereo knob. Charlie Dodrill sang. To me. “I am under the impression that it’s all for me.” I rubbed my thighs with my Granny Smith apple green gloves and waited.  For someone to say, “Hey, he’s singing your song.”

            At husband's mother’s house, the kids raced up the sidewalk to get at the warmth, the seven fishes, and the gifts inside.  Husband gathered my sour green apple gloves into his black ones. I lifted my chin cautiously. Noticed the solidness of my breathless diaphragm. His mouth pulled to one side. “Sorry,” he whispered. I blinked slowly. “Me too.”

I realized something. A few days later. That particular Christmas Day was not Stuff Day. It was Grace Day. The day three kids received way more than they expected, way more than they needed. And they rejoiced. With hoots and hollers and declarations that this indeed had been the best Christmas ever.

O Holy Night

When Joseph disappeared inside the inn, Mary slid off the little donkey.  Her legs trembled violently.  She leaned against the beast for a few moments to keep from falling.  She straightened and reached behind her to push her fingers into her lower back.  Oh, how she ached from the journey to Bethlehem!  Had it only been three days?  It seemed more like three months, or three years. 

She looked at the stars and wondered when Joseph would return.  Joseph.   She thought back to the myriad conversations they had shared on the road.  A warmth spread through her.  He was such a good man.  The Lord had chosen well.

She stood by the donkey's head, reins in her left hand, a scruff of mane in her right.

"Rest, Hannah," she told the creature.  "We can rest now.  I think.  I hope."

Joseph came through the doorway, a man behind him.  Mary brightened.  A bed, she thought.  And a meal.  And women, in case . . .

Joseph did not return her smile.  Mary's brow furrowed.

"This is my wife, Mary," he told the innkeeper.

"Shalom," the older man said.

Mary nodded slightly.  "Shalom, sir."

Joseph put his hand in the small of Mary's back and whispered into her ear.

"There are no rooms to be had, beloved.  Here, or in all of Bethlehem.  The census has brought--"

Mary covered her mouth, but not before a sob escaped.

Joseph placed his other hand on Mary's swollen belly.  "I'm so sorry, my love."

Mary brushed her tears away and lifted her chin.  "I'll be fine," she said.  "The Lord will provide."

The innkeeper led them on a path behind the inn.  In the moonlight Mary saw a bit of pasture with a low stone wall around it.  Beyond it, the terrain became hilly and rocky.

"How much farther, sir?" Mary said.

The man pointed.  Mary's sharp intake of breath was loud in the silent night.

"A cave?"

"It's roomy inside," the man said.  "I'll put more hay down for you.  We use it as a stable.  See?  I built a wall with a door across the opening."

The innkeeper held up the lantern.  Inside, cattle and sheep responded.

"The heat from the animals will warm you." 

He handed the light to Joseph.  "Put it on the ledge by the opening."

Joseph took the lamp in one hand and shook the man's hand with his other. 

"Thank you, sir.   This is far better than bedding down alongside the road."

The man produced a loaf of bread and a wineskin from a sack Mary had not seen.

"It's not much, but my wife--"

Mary's eyes watered.  She sniffed.  "How kind of her.  Please thank her on my behalf."

The man glanced at Mary's stomach.  "Your time?" he said.  "Is it--"

Mary rested her hands on either side of the bulge.  "Soon," Mary said.  "Very soon."


The insistent opening of the place between her legs left Mary breathless.  She longed to tell Joseph to stop the endless stroking of her hair, but she didn't want to hurt his feelings.  He was such a kind man.  A good man.  He would make a wonderful husband.  And father.

She thought of these things when she wasn't delirious with birth pain.  He didn't divorce me, she thought.  Praise be to the Most High God for that.  Everyone had told him to.  Oh, she hadn't heard their words, but she didn't need to.  Their actions, their eyes, their avoidance of her and her family, said everything.

She spoke over her shoulder.  "Thank you again."

Joseph rested his hands on her hips.  "For what, love?"

Mary felt her insides quicken with the endearment.  She put her hands over his.

"For convincing Mother and Father not to pronounce me dead to them."

"The angel should have spoken with them also."


The white hot heat in her loins returned.  Mary panted, like Elizabeth had told her to.  She swatted at the imaginary creature in front of her.  It breathed her air so she couldn't.  Joseph paced left and right.  She pointed to her pack.  Joseph eyed her shaking finger.

Her intake of breath sounded ragged.  "Inside," she said.  "Olive branch."

He rooted through the bag.  Took out a piece of wood as thick as his thumb.  He held it out. 

"This?"

She nodded. He placed it in her hand.  She put it in her mouth.  Bit down hard, like Elizabeth had advised.  She squeezed her eyes shut.  A moan rose from a  place deep within her.  Tears soaked her cheeks.  Out in the night, someone, some thing, hissed, "You will fail."


At the beginning of the third watch, the splitting inside her waned.  She was able to catch her breath.  She leaned back against the cave wall.  Turned her cheek to the cool stone.  As chilly as the Bethlehem night was, she felt as if she were on fire.  She wiped the sweat mist from her brow into her thick, almost black hair.

"Water.  Please."

Joseph held the wineskin to her lips.  Let a few drops trickle out.  Her eyes begged for more.

Joseph shook his head.  "My mother said you should just have a little.  Too much might make you sick."

Mary's eyes widened.  "You asked your mother?" 

She looked down between her legs.  "About this?"

"I knew it was possible we'd be alone," Joseph said.  "When the baby came.  With no women to help you.  I had to know what to do."

Mary touched her chest.  Such a wise man.  A very good man.


The pains became more frequent.  Joseph counted between them--100, 75, 60.

Mary sobbed.  "Joseph, my husband.  Please pray for me.  For our son."

She cried out in the night, a keening announcement of despair.  Somewhere in Bethlehem, a lone dog answered.

Mary's head turned side to side.  "Pray I don't die here in this place."

"Oh, Sovereign Lord," Joseph said.  "Instill in my young wife's heart your truth.  That weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

In that moment, the pain seemed to recede, and Mary slept.


When Mary opened her eyes, she saw Joseph with the babe in his arms.  She shook her head and rubbed her eyes.  

"When?  How?"

Joseph didn't hear her.  He'd removed his headcovering and used it to wrap the boy.  Mary's eyes stung as she watched Joseph walk with the child.  He bounced the infant gently as he moved about the cave.  She heard his murmured prayers and words of love.

Mary whimpered and held out her arms.  "Here," she said.  "Let me."

Joseph looked over at her and smiled tenderly.  He knelt beside her and carefully placed the babe in her arms.  She buried her face in the boy.  Breathed his smell.  Her smell.  She gently laid him on her lap.  She unwrapped him, but kept her chest near his so he would not be chilled.  She examined him thoroughly.  She touched him here and there.  Counted his fingers, his toes.  She turned to Joseph.

"He looks like any baby.  Any boy.  No different."

Joseph smiled and nodded.  He didn't take his eyes off the child.  Mary ran her fingers through the baby's damp, dark hair. 

"I thought he would be handsome, maybe even glorious, like Moses when he came down from the mountain of God, but he has no beauty or majesty to identify him, nothing in his appearance to tell people who he is."

"Remember, my love," Joseph said.  "Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart."

Mary pressed her middle finger into the center of the baby's chest.

"You, dear one, are not flesh of my flesh, bone of my bone.  You are like another Adam.  You, are made by God alone."

Mary rested a hand on her now soft belly.

"I am--  I was, but a temporary home for you these past months.  Me, no other woman.  My body held you, nurtured you.  I pushed and moaned and brought you forth."

She held the baby up as if to offer him back to his heavenly father.  "Lord God over all, here is your son, your one and only son, a holy and living sacrifice."

When she opened her eyes,  she saw Joseph at the cave's entrance.

"Mary, darling.  You must come."

Mary shook her head.  "Why?  What is it?"

Joseph pointed out into the inky night.  "There is a marvelous light," he said. "Behind this hill.  Here, I will take you."

He waited while Mary wrapped the child in linen strips, then she swaddled him again in Joseph's headcovering.  Joseph lifted Mary with the babe in her arms and carried them out into the night.  Mary nestled her head against Joseph's shoulder.  His arms are strong, she thought.  And his profile too.  Under different circumstances, he would have been a king.  Of the house of David.

Outside the cave, Mary squinted at the sky.  A star shone in the east, bright as the sun it seemed.  She tried to stare into the center of it, but her eyes burned, and she had to look away.  She went to cover the baby's eyes, but somehow he had no problem gazing into the center of the glory in the sky.  In fact, she thought she saw the corners of his mouth turn up.

Joseph laid an arm across Mary's shoulders.  "Listen," he said.

It sounded as if there was a chorus of hundreds upon thousands.   Their voices seemed to come out of the brightness.  How had she not heard it before?

"Who sings?" Mary said.  "Is it angels?"

Joseph shook his head and spoke near her ear.  "I have no idea.  All of creation maybe?  It is that loud."

Joseph carried Mary and the babe back inside the cave.

"Joseph," Mary said.  "Put more hay in the manger please."

"Why?" he said, as he complied. 

Mary laid the bundled boy on top of the soft, golden straw.  She knelt beside him. 

"Shalom, my baby," she said.  "Shalom, my son.  Born of my body and my pain.  In your lifetime, you will be loved, even worshipped.  And one day you will save all men.  "

She held her hand over her mouth and whispered so only she could hear. 

"Between the two--the being loved and the saving--you will be hated.  Despised.  The very ones you came to rescue will kill you."

She picked up the baby and pressed him to her heart.  "But not yet," she said into his ear.  "For now, you are mine."

She reached out her hand for Joseph's.  "Mine and my husband's.  Jesus, this is your abba, your daddy, Joseph.  He will be your father here on earth.  He's a kind man, a good man."