*The Best Christmas Eve Ever--Part One"

It was snowing for real now. Cottonballs from the sky. I sprinted over to Dart Drug for a bag of kitty litter—emergency traction for the car, just in case. Back at the apartment I filled my Jazzercise water bottle and grabbed a Snickers bar—emergency sustenance for my stomach, just in case. In my bedroom I threw my afghan over my shoulder—the one Mom made me when she learned to crochet.

            “That should be good,” I told the door as I locked it.

            Back outside my breath came out in little cloudy mushrooms as I scraped and brushed ice and snow off my blue Toyota. As I waited for the windshield to defrost, I examined the blackened palms of my French’s Mustard yellow gloves. They’re wrecked. My mouth pulled to the side for a moment, then up into a grin. There’s always after Christmas sales.

“Hello?”
            “Sis, it’s me. I’m here in D.C.,” my brother had said when he called.
            “Since when?”

            “I took the train from Charlottesville this morning. Thought I’d come up and surprise Amy and her family.”
            “Oh.” So you won’t be alone on Christmas Eve.
            “They want you to come out,” he said. “Amy’s family says no one should be alone on Christmas Eve.”
            I looked up at my bangs. “They said that?”
            “Yeah. I’m going to put Amy on. Get a pen and paper. She’ll give you directions.”

The Toyota crept from Route 50 to the Beltway. Past Fair Oaks Mall, then to an exit. Further still. I glanced in my rearview mirror. All I could see were the parallel black lines my Toyota tires had carved in the pillowy snow.
            “Usually I’m scared to drive when it’s like this,” I said to no one. “But that’s when I’m going to work. This is different.”

            I was headed for Christmas in the country. Surely, a country Christmas would be different. Better.
            I checked my odometer and slowed down. The turn should be— Oh, there it was. The private road wasn’t paved but it had been scraped recently. Bet they have a John Deere something or other for times like this.
            I cracked the window so I could hear the silence. Country silence is quieter than city silence. I imagined the world wrapped in Santa’s beard or in the wool of one of the sheep in the Christmas story.
            I shivered. Rolled up the window. The road seemed to go on forever.

            “Am I lost?” I asked the windshield. “Maybe I took a wrong turn. But—”

            Then I saw the light or rather, the lights. Dim golden polka dots lined both sides of the road up ahead. I pulled over. To see what exactly would make that kind of glow. My boots made a squawnky sound on the packed surface. The light, I discovered, came from deep bowls made of ice. Someone had snuggled them down into the knee-deep snow, about one every ten feet. Each bowl held a creamy, chubby pillar candle. The flames shimmied and bowed in the snow sequined night.
            I stood and peered up the road. Where did that come from? At the top of the hill was a house, grand and lovely. Greenery and a red bow adorned the outside of every window. A candle flickered on the inside of each as well.
            I decided to walk the rest of the way so my tire tracks wouldn’t defile the perfect snow in front of their house. Before I set out, I brushed the snow from my pants and tucked them inside my boots. Puckered my lips and applied Cherries in the Snow lipstick. I flipped up the velvet collar of my dress coat to keep the back of my neck warm, plunged my hands deep in my pockets, and headed up the hill.
            As I neared the house, my brow scrunched. I’ve seen this place before. Then I remembered where. The scene reminded me of a snow globe I’d purchased at the Christmas Shop in Manteo, North Carolina. I smiled, at the thought of the Outer Banks. And summertime.

            When I was about fifty yards from the house, I stopped. Watched the plume of my breath appear every thirty seconds or so.

            “What are you waiting for?” I asked the night. After a few minutes, it occurred to me I was wanting someone, the family who lived on top of the hill maybe, to lift the edge of the glass dome and let me in. Into their world.
            I was twenty feet from the porch when the front door opened. The silhouettes of my brother and a young woman filled the doorway. His buzz cut and her mass of flame-colored waves were backlit. I don’t know why, but I didn’t say a word. I hung back in the shadows by the side of the road watching them.
            “She’s here! She’s here!” I heard Amy say. “Her car’s out there. But where’s she?”
            “Hallo!” my brother called.

            “Hallo!” the echoes multiplied through the woods behind the house.
            I stepped into the porch light shine and waved. “Merry Christmas!” I said. My greeting went far, in every direction, in the navy night.
            Amy waved excitedly like it would bring me to her faster. I climbed the steps and she threw her arms around me while I was stomping the snow off my boots.

            “I’m Amy,” she said. “Merry Christmas to you!”

            I smiled into her hair. I’ve never met you, but you sure do seem to like me.
            Inside the front door, my brother lifted me in a bear hug. Beside him, Amy counted on her fingers.

            “Coat, slippers, cocoa.”
            I tilted my head. “Hunh?”
            She spoke slower. “Give John your coat. Change into slippers. Get cocoa from my mom.”
            I handed my brother my coat. Added my boots to the line against the wall. There was a basket of slippers, all colors and sizes, tags still on, behind the door.
            I stooped. “I’ll take . . . fuzzy and red, size small.”
            When I straightened, John and Amy had disappeared and there was Mom.
            “You’re beautiful,” came out of my mouth before I could stop it. Amy looks just like you.
            “And you,” she said, as she pressed an oversized mug into my hands.
            I stuck my nose close to the marshmallows and felt steam collect on my cheeks. I lifted my chin but kept my eyes closed. I inhaled.
            “What do you smell?” Mom said.
            My face squinched in concentration. “A peppermint at the bottom of the cocoa. Pine. A wood fire. Paperwhites. Wassail maybe? Or are there oranges studded with cloves?”
            I opened my eyes. She was still smiling. “You should be a sommelier.”
            “A some of what?”
            She chuckled and tucked her arm inside mine. “A sommelier—sort of a wine expert,” she said. “You have an excellent nose.”
            We walked down the central hallway. Suddenly she stopped and turned to face me. 

            “Where are my manners?” she said. She rested her hands on my shoulders and kissed the air beside each of my ears. I caught a waft of her perfume—peonies and vanilla maybe.

            “Welcome, and Merry Christmas, dear.”
            I peeked into a room. “Where is everyone?”
            “You mean, your brother? And Amy?” she said. “Probably under the mistletoe somewhere. We’ll find them. Sooner or later. Would you like a tour?”
            I nodded, my eyes huge. “Yes, please!”

*The Worst Christmas Ever*

I knew I was in trouble when my husband questioned the pile of packages by the front door.

            “I have a good excuse,” I said.

            One of his eyebrows arched. “Really?”

            Both of my eyebrows went up. “Really,” I said. “These are the Christmas presents I bought and wrapped for your mother to give the kids.”

            “She already did that .”

            My heart hiccupped. I squinted. “She did? Why?”

            “’Cause she wanted to.”

            “But, this is how we always do things. She buys. I fly.”

            “Not this year.”

            Inside me, my holiday spirit engine gasped. Shimmied. Chugged, then stopped. The Christmas carol soundtrack in my head ceased. The skippy spring to my step flattened.

And then it happened again. We stepped into my mom’s house less than a week later and her hearth was smothered with red and green packages adorned with smooshed and pointy pre-tied bows.

            My breath caught. My eyes widened. The two shopping bags of packages I was carrying dropped to the floor with a thunk and a rattle.

            “Uh . . . Mom? Did you forget how we do things—you buy, I fly?”

            She beamed from her lavender recliner. “I don’t know what got into me. One day I felt a burst of energy. And there was this great sale at the mall and . . . “

            For the second time in seven days my holiday spirit engine faltered. I stared at the fireplace for a few minutes—almost hypnotized by the blueish yellow flames that danced around the fake logs.

            “They got double presents,” I said, without moving my lips.

            “Excuse me?” Mom said.

            I walked down the hall to the bathroom and washed my hands. Put on sweet pea-scented hand lotion. Tried on every shade of lipstick on Mom’s vanity. I lowered the toilet lid and took a seat. I counted on my fingers. They got presents from my mom. They got gifts from his mom. They got stuff that I bought them from my mom. They got stuff that I bought them from his mom. They got presents from us. They got toys from Santa.

            I stood and surveyed my reflection in the mirror. Leaned forward and tugged my eyeskin to make the wrinkles disappear. I sighed. My mom was happy. Mother-in-law was too. The kids were ecstatic. And he was thrilled. Husband adores giving and receiving gifts. “Can’t take it with you when you die.” That’s one of his favorite sayings.
            I grinned at myself. "Faker," I hissed. Everyone was giddy with holiday joy but me. All the stress I’d put myself through—making the lists, checking them twice. Shopping all over hell’s half acre and the Internet. Wrapping, hiding. I didn’t need to do any of it. Well, I didn’t need to do half of it. I’d put myself out, way out, for nothing.  All that Advil gone to waste.

            And that’s not all. The double presents thing? It fed the fear inside me. The fear that all the gifts, the mile high stack of gadgets and sweaters that no one really needs, would make Christmas Day into Stuff Day. I worried that the intense focus on buying, giving, getting, repeat, would take the attention off little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay.

            Back in the living room, I sank into the sofa beside husband. He shushed me as I mumbled, “It’s gonna be Stuff Day, not Christmas Day.”  He stroked my back. Massaged my shoulders. Murmured, “There, there. Everything’ll be all right.”

A few nights later we gathered in the foyer. Donned hats and coats, mittens and gloves. Prepared to go to the last holiday party of the season—Christmas Eve at my mother-in law's. One of our children dawdled. Or whined. I don’t remember which. I snapped at her. A little too loud, a little too mean.

            All of a sudden the front door whooshed open. Frigid night air rushed the room. Husband slammed the door and turned to me, his eyes squinty and small.

            “Shut. Up,” he said. “You’re going to ruin Christmas Eve for everyone.”

            All three kids gawked at me, my husband, each other, then the floor. I winced and inspected my boots. I knew I deserved it. Not in front of the kids, but still . . .

            Husband stomped out into the night to start the car. After a few minutes, the kids followed. I locked the front door and slunk down the steps. It was bitter cold with no snow. There would be though. Eventually. I could smell it.

            I climbed into the SUV. Flipped my seat warmer on. The silence was too quiet, even on the Silent Night, so I pushed the stereo knob. Charlie Dodrill sang. To me. “I am under the impression that it’s all for me.” I rubbed my thighs with my Granny Smith apple green gloves and waited.  For someone to say, “Hey, he’s singing your song.”

            At husband's mother’s house, the kids raced up the sidewalk to get at the warmth, the seven fishes, and the gifts inside.  Husband gathered my sour green apple gloves into his black ones. I lifted my chin cautiously. Noticed the solidness of my breathless diaphragm. His mouth pulled to one side. “Sorry,” he whispered. I blinked slowly. “Me too.”

I realized something. A few days later. That particular Christmas Day was not Stuff Day. It was Grace Day. The day three kids received way more than they expected, way more than they needed. And they rejoiced. With hoots and hollers and declarations that this indeed had been the best Christmas ever.

The Worst Christmas (Eve) Ever

I knew I was in trouble when my husband questioned the pile of packages by the front door.

"I have a good excuse," I said.

One of his eyebrows went up.  "Really?"

Both of my eyebrows went up.  "Really," I said.  "These are the Christmas presents I bought and wrapped for your mother to give to the kids."

 "My mom got them stuff already."

Something in me twitched.  "She did?  Why?"

"'Cause she wanted to."

"But . . . this is how we always do things.  She buys.  I fly."

"Not this year."

Something broke inside me.  My holiday spirit engine gasped.  It shimmied.  And then its chugging stopped.  The Christmas carol soundtrack stopped playing in my head.  The skippy spring to my step flattened.  My shoulders descended a good two inches.  Ah man!


And then, it happened again.  We walked into my mom's house less than a week later and her hearth was covered in red and green packages with smooshed, pointy, pre-tied bows.  Furrows plowed themselves into my forehead.  The two shopping bags of packages I was carrying fell to the floor with a thunk and a rattle.

"Uh . . . Mom?  Did you forget how we do things--you buy, I fly?"

She smiled.  "I don't know what got into me.  One day I got a burst of energy and there was this great sale at the mall . . . "

For the second time in a week, my holiday spirit engine went boom.

I stared at the fireplace for a few minutes--almost hypnotized by the blueish yellow flames licking out of the fake logs.

"They got double presents," I said, without moving my lips.

"Excuse me?" Mom said.

I went into the bathroom and washed my hands.  And put on lotion.  And tried on every shade of lipstick on Mom's vanity.  I put the toilet lid down and had a seat.  I counted on my fingers.  "They got presents from my mom.  They got presents from his mom.  They got presents that I bought them from my mom.  They got presents that I bought them from his mom.  They got presents from us.  They got presents from Santa."

My mom was happy.  His mom was happy.  He was happy.   The kids were ecstatic.  Everyone was high on holiday spirit but me.  All the stress I'd put myself through--making the lists, checking them twice, shopping all over hell's half acre and the Internet, wrapping, hiding.  And I didn't need to do any of it.  Well, I didn't need to do half of it.  I'd put myself out, way out, for nothing.  All that Advil, for nothing.

And that's not all.  The double presents thing?  It fed the fear inside me.  You see, I have this fear that all the stuff, the mile high stack of stuff that no one really needs, makes Christmas Day into Stuff Day.  It seemed to me that all the focus on buying, giving, getting, repeat takes all the focus off the little Lord Jesus asleep in the hay.

My husband had compassion on me.  He patted my back.  He rubbed my shoulders.  He murmured, "There, there, everything will be all right," as I shuffled around mumbling, "It's going to be Stuff Day, not Christmas."  Resentment etched frown lines around my mouth.

A few days later, we headed out for a holiday party.  One of our children dawdled and I growled at her, a little too loud, a little too mean.  We stood in our foyer, the front door open, the cold night air coming in around the storm door frame.  Then my husband said two of the words that are forbidden in our house, and then some. 

"Shut . . . up!" he said.  "You're going to ruin Christmas Eve for everyone!"

The kids looked at me, then my husband, then each other.    I winced and looked at my feet.  I knew I deserved it.  Not in front of the kids, but still . . .  My husband went out to start the car.

I slunk out into the freezing night.  Bitter cold but no snow.  Yet another reason to be a sadsack. 

I climbed into the SUV.  The silence was too quiet, even on the Silent Night.  I turned the stereo on.  Charlie Dodrill sang to me.  "I am under the impression that it's all for me."  I looked at my Granny Smith apple green gloves and waited for someone to say, "Hey, they're singing your song." 

Before we got out of the car to go into the party, my husband put his hand on my sour green apple gloves.  I looked at him cautiously, like a whipped dog.  He looked sad.  "Sorry."  He mouthed the word.  I blinked slowly.


As I remembered that night just now, I figured out something.  That Christmas Day was not Stuff Day.  That Christmas Day was Grace Day.  Three kids got way more than they expected, way more than they deserved.  The half-empty glass person might call it gluttony.  The half-full glass person would call it grace.