Friday, January 14, 2011

Shot



Here it is again
Your going
Ginormous spans of time and distance
Echo in the gap between us

How is it
I am not mad with grief and fear?
It’s because I was shot
The last time you left on a jet plane
I was shot to the heart

The meds
Your arrival, your joy, your return
They still run through me
Like the waterfall you stood under
Eternal it seemed

Did you hear it?
Over the age old rush
Of hydrogen, oxygen, and gravity?
“This is my daughter.
Whom I love
With her I am well pleased.”

I did
Hear it
Something different
But still
“You there.
You are a modern day Mary.
You bore her, raised her, and when the time was fulfilled
You balanced her life and your punctured heart
In your trembling mama hands
Dripping with tears, not blood
You offered her as a live sacrifice
To me, to the world
Blessed are the hands that are open, not clenched
Palms without fingernail-shaped wounds
Extended
Freely, faithfully.”

The symptoms
The what ifs and will I ever
(Inhale her Pantene twirls again)
Didn’t present until 24 hours out this time
Burning eye syndrome, leaky gutter nose, shovel scrapes in the belly
They’ve only just now come
To be honest, on the pain scale, they’re a scant three or four
And then, only if I shut out everything else
Drill down
Attend the guttural jeer of she’s leaving you
For another mother
A different family

I flip my hair and anxiety, albeit lesser,
Behind me
Where I can’t see it
I almost yell at the mirror
You’re shot, remember?
Vaccinated
It can’t hurt you
The unblessed absence of assurance
Faith exists only in the invisible
Sight and knowing?
Where is the thrill, the miracle, the mountain top, in that?

I trust
I have to
But at least I can 
‘Cause I’ve been shot
Inoculated
One bout with loss, fear, and the unknown
(Then reunion and recovery)
Left me so much stronger
Able, if not ready
(And really, when will I ever be ready?)
To do it all again

4 comments:

Jacqueline said...

Oh Diane, this is so beautiful. I would love to be there one day when Josie reads these stories and poems to her children. How precious that will be. Jacki

Becky said...

Wonderful, wonderful, dear girl!! What is her mission this time?

wvdiane said...

Hey Becky:
She's in Honduras at a place called Rancho Oasis for Youth. Here's the link to their blog:
http://ro4y.blogspot.com/

wvdiane said...

Guess-a-what? I made a tee tiny change to this poem, one week after I posted it. Can anyone find it?

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